Friday, January 13, 2012

My best shot at a New Year resolution

Today was my daughters graduation from DARE, and after the ceremony, I ran into one of the ladies I used to be friendly (not friends with - but we hung out a bit for our kids school stuff) with when we first moved here - and I gave her a big hug.  She hugged back and didn't seem phased by it - but my daughter and husband both were shocked I just hugged someone that was a little more than a friendly acquaintance back in the day - and haven't talked to in at least 3 years. 

I didn't think it it was a big deal, until I thought about it and it WAS kind of weird.  The more I thought about it - I realized I'm really lonely and damn it,  I needed a hug. 

I haven't made a single friend here.  Which I keep saying is okay because we just moved here - but - it's been 6 years this coming summer.  That's not JUST.  Sigh.

When we moved here, I suffered from a pretty serious bout of post-partum depression.  My youngest was only 4 months old and in the throws of severe reflux.  My life for a year and half revolved around surviving each day as she cried through them or used me a human pacifier to dull her pain. Once we moved on from that, it took a good year or so to learn how to live as a human again.  I think I got stuck.

I'm not whining - I think I'm more sharing my epiphany.  It's hard to make friends as an adult.  I work from home, and don't have a lot of hobbies that throw me in with the public.  And although I'm really outgoing, I'm very shy.  Does that even make sense?  If you give me a shot, I'll talk your ear off, listen to you to no end and go to the ends of the earth for you, but, you have to reach out to me first. I'll wave at you but no way I'd have the nerve to come up and chat.  That sometimes makes me seem bitchy.  Standoffish.

I think I'm a good friend, and my best friends (scattered across the country though they may be) are amazing - and most I met in junior high!  I just would like someone nearby to go shop with every once in a while, or invite over to hang out - or put as an emergency contact for my kids at school.

I'm working on this.  I want to make friends.  I'm going to try. 

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