THAT voice

Here's the funny thing about writing.  Sometimes you get too deep into your own head to find your way out to write about normal things.  Like blog posts.

I find it amazing that I haven't posted in almost a year.  Yet, when I look through my blog drafts, I actually write a couple of blog posts a month.  I can't bring myself to post them.  I think that's why I had to stop querying.  I wasn't ready for the all the other parts that come with writing.  I enjoy writing, I write to feel sane, I write to get the characters out of my head that follow me around.  I tell their stories.  When I started querying and those first few R's started coming - a big, red, flashing sign went off for me.  I knew I would get R's.  EVERYONE get's R's.  It wasn't even as if I took it personally.  I knew that they were judging my book based on 3 small paragraphs - not even the body of my work. What it came down to for me, was the fact that every single R's echoed this nasty little voice that lives in my head telling me that my writing isn't ready, it's not good enough, it's not worth it.  THAT voice.  It was me and my problem, not the rejection.  I had already set myself up to fail this journey.  I wasn't ready.

So, I've been taking some time.  I took a break from writing, since I needed to get my own head on straight.  I need to quiet THAT voice.  Now that I have emerged on the other side with writing mojo back on my side, I re-evaluated my query process.  I expected to find I had sent out dozens of queries.  But no, 12.  I sent out 12 queries to agents. 12!!!  I received 6 rejections and 6 no-answers (which in my world are R's).  I quit at 12.  I shared this with some of my writing buddies lately and they laughed at me.  Not because I have been rejected, but because 12 was the extent of my attempt.  One friend has queried over 300 times, over three different books.  Most of my other friends, (some pubbed even) said they queried a minimum of 50 for each book. 

I don't know if I'm ready, I probably won't really know until the R's start piling in again.  But I'm stronger.  I quieted that voice, and I'm working on kicking it's ass and pushing it to the curb permanently.  That part will take time.  But the rest of me is in charge now.  I'm writing again.  I'm finishing my next novel, and then I'll go through the process to get it shiny and ready.  Then I will try again.